Time for a Change

It has been nearly four months since I started The Reinvention Project. It seems like such a short amount of time, and in the grand scheme of what I'm trying to accomplish I suppose it is. Still, I can say quite confidently that, for all the potholes (and sometimes craters) I've encountered so far, I have made progress along the road I chose on New Year's Eve.

I want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who has come across this humble blog. When I began I wasn't sure if anyone besides a few friends would check it out, and I never cease to be amazed (and thrilled!) when yet another follower signs on, another comment hits my inbox, or another word of encouragement comes to me from across the country. I have solid evidence that the Project is doing exactly what I dared hope it would do: making a difference. It may be a small difference, and it may be a few people, but to hear even one person say they have been bolstered by my words makes me feel like everything I'm going through can be given a positive purpose. That feeling, for me, is its own form of therapy.

I have, as Robert Frost put so eloquently, "miles to go before I sleep." But thanks to this blog, and everyone who’s taken the time to share it with me, I no longer feel like I'm traveling that road alone.

Lesson of the Day: We’re never as alone as we think we are.

Taking Down Depression

Today, my readers, we are going to talk about depression. Why, you ask? Because depression is an insidious bastard and needs to be addressed. Because the more it’s talked about, the harder it is to see it as a shameful secret. Because it’s a reality for many, many people, and it’s important for those people to feel like they can speak up and get help.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), depressive disorders affect approximately 18.8 million American adults, or about 9.5% of the U.S. population ages 18 and older, in a given year. I am currently one of those people. That’s right, I said it, and I’m not going to hide from it. It’s part of my current reality, and I’ve never been one for self-denial.

So what, exactly, is depression? Well, the NIMH informs me that there are several different kinds of depression, and the reasons behind them, their scope of influence, and their effects are as varied as their types. I’ll focus on the type that closest fits the symptoms I’ve had, “major depressive disorder,” because that’s the one I can intelligently speak about, but the other types can be found here. Basically, depression is a mood disorder that affects you to the point that you have difficulty functioning normally. It’s beyond feeling blue or having a bad day. Symptoms vary from person to person, but here’s a round-up of indicators put together by the NIMH:

• Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

I can personally attest to the validity of this list, as each bullet point has been something I’ve struggled with over the last several months. It’s damn difficult to function like a normal human being when you’re under the yoke of even one of these symptoms. Throw them together in combination, which is what depression does, and you’re talking about a full-on war against yourself. In the morning, getting out of bed is a struggle. Finding the will to do anything is a battle of epic proportions. At my very worst, I’ve found myself curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor, sobbing and unwilling to move for fear of what I’d do if I did. It’s not pretty, let me tell you.

The feelings are difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t ever felt them. The best I’ve been able to come up with is what I imagine possession might feel like. One minute I’m going about my business, making it through my day, and the next it’s like something else has completely taken me over. Before the events that make The Reinvention Project necessary happened, I was a pretty stable person. I didn’t really have highs and lows in mood, I didn’t cry a lot (or easily), and I was fairly balanced and leaning towards the happy side of the emotional scale. Now…well, that person is someone I hope to be again, but for now I try to deal with the dual personality I have developed.

I have heard people say that there’s only a certain type of person who ends up with depression. They’ve insinuated that intelligence plays some sort of factor, or that someone is “too strong” to ever end up struggling with a depressive disorder. I’m here to tell you that depression doesn’t discriminate. I never thought I fit the “type,” either. Now I know that there is no type. Given the right set of circumstances, depression can take anyone down. The important thing, I’ve learned, is to acknowledge the issue as quickly as possible, and get help.

Having depression doesn’t make you weak, and acknowledging that you need help is one of the strongest things you can do for yourself. I always felt like I could take anything on myself, that I never really needed help from anyone else. But realizing that what was going on in my head was not normal sadness, and finding the strength within to pick up the phone and ask someone for help, very likely saved my life. So I’m asking you, as one human being to another, to take a look at that symptoms list. Do you see yourself in it? Do you recognize a friend or family member? If you answered yes to either of these questions, get help. It’s okay to need it, and it could save your life—or someone else’s.

National Institute of Mental Health: information on depressive disorders, how to recognize them, how to combat them, where to go to get help for yourself or someone you know

Depression Resources: A list compiled by WebMD of various sources on depression information and help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: A phone hotline dedicated to helping anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

The National Hopeline Network: Vetted by PostSecret, this network provides a multi-platform help network for those in crisis (phone, email, online chat). 1-800-442-HOPE (4673).

If you have any other resources or information, feel free to comment on this post and add your knowledge!

I Get By With a Little Help from My Friends

Want to know who your real friends are? Place yourself in the middle of a life in utter ruins, and see who comes to help you pick up the pieces. You might be surprised.

I have been incredibly fortunate to have had a fantastic and unfailing support system throughout the various disasters in my life over the last several months. My family, of course, rallied immediately, doing that familial thing they’ve always done so well. Their loyalty and support was never even a question. Other, non-family people, however, have stepped gracefully into my life to help keep the few columns that remain from crashing down on top of me. This phenomenon is what I focus on daily, to remind myself that I have more people who think I’m worth supporting, worth befriending, worth including in their lives, than I ever knew.

Some of these saviors were already established in my life as co-workers, acquaintances, and friends who I saw “once in a while.” They heard about what was going on and took it upon themselves to become more than once-a-month friends, contacting me through various outlets to ask how I was doing, if there was anything they could do to help, if I needed to talk or wanted to hang out. These gestures were not a one-time occurrence; they began happening routinely and continue to this moment. These are busy, busy people, with families and lives and trials of their own, and I can’t imagine when they have the time to think of me—but they do.

Others are people who I was once friends with, perhaps even good friends, but time being what it is, we slipped away from each other. Ironically, the very events conspiring to cause such strife in my life were the same events that led me back to these once-and-future friends. Through the magic of 21st-century social media, they saw that I seemed to be having trouble and decided to reach out to me. As it turns out, several of them were having (or were just coming out of) similar troubles, and could not only sympathize, but empathize. They say pain shared is pain halved, and these wonderful people knew that, and endeavored to show me that I was not alone. These are the voices who stay up with me late into the night when I can’t sleep (which is often), companions to my chronic insomnia. The nights are the worst. These people get me through them.

Still others are good friends who have gone so far above and beyond that I can only hold them up as shining examples of what true friendship is—and hope that I have been as a good a presence in their lives as they have been in mine.

Words cannot express what these people mean to me, or what they’ve done for me. There have been days when a well-timed Facebook message or a random phone call has, quite seriously, been all that stood between my fragile psyche and a padded room. Being reminded that there are people in the world who don’t have to care about me but do anyway, just because I’m me, has done more to help me begin this journey to reinvention than all the inner strength I could ever conjure up. It’s true that most days I do this for myself, because I want to come out of this a better, stronger person, because I refuse to let anything get the best of me. But some days, the ones when I look at myself in the mirror and can’t conjure up the desire to try for myself alone—those are the days I remember all the people who’ve shown me that they think I’m worth keeping around. I lock their faces in my mind, stand up straight, and try anyway.

Lesson of the Day: Pick up the phone, log on to Facebook, send an e-mail, tweet away—the message you send may have more of an impact than you could possibly imagine.