Don't Borrow Trouble...or Stress, for that Matter!

Things are currently better for me than they’ve been at any point in the last year. The thing I was waiting on came through for me in the best way possible, and I’m now firmly on the path to wherever my new life is going to take me—with the tools to be successful every step of the way. More importantly, however, is the fact that I can actually see the damn road and even, if I squint my eyes, look up ahead into the future a bit. This, as anyone who has been reading this blog will know by now, is a huge relief for me. Gigantic. Epic, even.

If I needed any proof about how much happier my soul is when it has direction, I got it the first night after I heard my good news. I slept, through the night, without any artificial help, for the first time in almost 11 months. Then I did it again the next night. And the next. And the next. That’s right, my insomnia has disappeared into thin air. Poof!

It is amazing what a good night’s sleep will do for your outlook on life. I’d forgotten. But now that I’ve been reintroduced to the concept, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anything snatch it away from me again! Unfortunately, there are still one or two lingering things from my old life infringing on my ability to ride off into the rising sun of my new life. I’m headed in the right direction, but I have a couple of unwanted stowaways in my luggage. These stowaways seem determined to peck away at my fledgling happiness (I’m just full of metaphors today, folks!), and they might be successful—if they were dealing with the old me. But they’re not. They’re up against the new me, the one who has walked through hell (not a metaphor) and come out the other end alive. The new me is stronger, re-forged by adversity and misery and all the things that make you stronger if they don’t kill you.

Also, the new me has slept. Seriously, I can’t even tell you how glorious that is after all this time.

So, right, stowaways. They can take a hike. For the most part, they’re things I have very little control over at this point. So, why let them stress me out? Yes, I want them done and gone, but it’s just not happening right now. I’m not ignoring them; I’m quite aware of their presence. I’m simply choosing to keep them at arm’s length for the duration of their stay with me. Frankly, I’ve been through worse. It’s incredible the way my outlook on life’s struggles has shifted over the last year. I have a feeling it’s going to take a lot more to faze me from now on. Because after everything I’ve been through, it’s simply not worth it to take even one baby step back into the darkness. I know what’s back there, and it’s nothing good. These days, I’m all about the light. And the sleep.

Lesson of the Day: Step into the light. And get some sleep!

Clean Slate

I never, ever thought that I would be starting over at this stage of my life. I had it all figured out. Career, education, family…everything was lined up and a bright future was on the horizon. My goals, dreams, aspirations—all coming together.

Until, suddenly, they weren’t.

Nine months ago my life went to hell in the space of 24 hours, and I watched all my dreams, all my hopes for my life, collapse around me. I was devastated. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day, much less a week, or a month, or the indefinite amount of time it was going to take to come up with an entirely new future for myself. It seemed impossible. And, in those first dark months, I wasn’t sure I even had enough left in me to try.

But human nature is a powerful thing, and it has always been my nature to persevere. So, that’s what I did. Through the horrible days and the unbearable nights, through hours when I felt so alone I could only curl up on the floor and cry, through minutes when it literally felt like my heart was tearing its way through my chest because even it couldn’t take the pain anymore…I stuck it out. It wasn’t always pretty, and it sure as hell wasn’t easy, and some days I spent every second clawing my way to a goal I couldn’t even visualize yet, but here I am. I may not be whole, but I managed to hold on to all the pieces I need to put myself back together. I may have scars, but that only means that the wounds are healing. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe myself as naïve again, but knowledge is, and always has been, power.

So here I sit, situations finally resolved, endings finally written, and a blank slate before me. It’s a tiring thought, that I now have to rewrite the story of my future—luckily, stories are kind of my thing. The Reinvention Project is nowhere complete, but I can now add the element of freedom to my quest. No longer tied to my past, there’s nothing holding me back. It’s scary, but I’ve always enjoyed a challenge. The possibilities are limitless; with no one and nothing else to take into consideration, I can, quite seriously, do whatever I want with my life. I have never been in this position before, and I’m looking forward to seeing what I come up with.

I’m still weary, I’m still sad, I’m still healing—but with the last nine months as proof that I can get through anything, I have hope. And hope, as Pandora will tell you, can make all the difference in the world. It’s time to pick up my pen and get to work.

Lesson of the Day: It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life.

Time for a Change

It has been nearly four months since I started The Reinvention Project. It seems like such a short amount of time, and in the grand scheme of what I'm trying to accomplish I suppose it is. Still, I can say quite confidently that, for all the potholes (and sometimes craters) I've encountered so far, I have made progress along the road I chose on New Year's Eve.

I want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who has come across this humble blog. When I began I wasn't sure if anyone besides a few friends would check it out, and I never cease to be amazed (and thrilled!) when yet another follower signs on, another comment hits my inbox, or another word of encouragement comes to me from across the country. I have solid evidence that the Project is doing exactly what I dared hope it would do: making a difference. It may be a small difference, and it may be a few people, but to hear even one person say they have been bolstered by my words makes me feel like everything I'm going through can be given a positive purpose. That feeling, for me, is its own form of therapy.

I have, as Robert Frost put so eloquently, "miles to go before I sleep." But thanks to this blog, and everyone who’s taken the time to share it with me, I no longer feel like I'm traveling that road alone.

Lesson of the Day: We’re never as alone as we think we are.

Sorting Out My Priorities

It has been, to put it mildly, a rough few weeks. A lot of that waiting I talked about a few posts ago took a giant step forward, and instead of being relieved I found myself relapsing into a depressive episode on a level I honestly thought I was beyond. So, I can now personally attest to another truth about depression: it is entirely possible to experience a relapse. (For more information on depression, see my January 28, 2010 post, Taking Down Depression.) No wonder it’s known to be such an insidious illness.

At any rate, there has been a lot of “just making it through” going on, and that hasn’t left me with either the energy or desire for much of anything else. The tactics I’ve been using for the last six months to keep my head on straight aren’t as effective as they used to be. My patience for all this *waves arms around wildly* is waning. It’s time to step up The Reinvention Project. I’ve decided to try to think a bit further into the future; to look to the ever-nebulous “other side” I will supposedly come out on when everything making my life a whirlwind of discontent finally resolves itself. If I can visualize this new life of mine, maybe it will be easier to hold out for it. To that end, I decided to make a list.

I jumped on to http://www.tadalist.com/, a lovely website devoted to list-making, and created the following:

Adventures for 2010
~ hot air balloon ride
~ skydiving on my birthday
~ hiking to waterfalls in the spring
~ run three 5Ks
~ join a writers group

The first three items are things I’ve been dying to do for years, and the opportunities just didn’t present themselves in my old life (I have a specific state park in mind for the hiking). The last two items are geared towards personal improvement for the benefit of my new life. The important thing about this list is that each thing is completely do-able this year. Only the first two items cost any significant amount of money, and neither cost is prohibitive.

One of the facets of my new life that I’m most eager to incorporate is not waiting so long to do the things I truly want to do. One of the hard lessons I’ve learned is that life is unpredictable. You can have it all planned out one day, and not know which way is up the next. Life itself will get in the way of you doing any actual living if you let it. As I am rebuilding from the ground up, now seems like the perfect time to make sure that doesn’t happen anymore. The things I want to do, the adventures I want to have, are going to take a much higher priority in my new life. That knowledge is getting me through when other distractions fail.

The above list-in-progress will seem inane to most people, I imagine. Plenty of people couldn’t care less about waterfalls, and relatively few have the urge to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. But are you prepared to deny that you have such a list in the back of your mind? If you sat down right now with a pen and paper, what small things have you been dying to do, or try, or see, that you keep putting off? Forget about expensive dream vacations (Rome is on my personal long-term wish list) or the desire to change careers. Think smaller. Is there a play you want to see? A favorite band in concert? Have you always wanted to try a particular craft? Maybe you have a secret desire to try an online computer game. Or go to a tasting at a local winery.

You think about these things from time to time, and each time you think to yourself, “Someday soon I’m actually going to make this happen. Maybe next month. Maybe next year.” But soon never seems to arrive, and the months pass, and the years pass, and life gets in the way of all your best intentions. It happens to us all. My list has been with me for years. But you know what? Six months ago that list was longer. I’ve already begun to check things off. And each checkmark is another completion of something important to me. Something that makes my life richer, more colorful. And isn’t that the point of life, after all? To live it?

Lesson of the Day: Life is for living. Make it happen.

When 1 Really IS the Loneliest Number

I have never minded being alone.

I don’t mean that I’m anti-social or that I prefer to be alone, because have plenty of friends and I rarely turn down the opportunity to hang out with other people. I simply mean that when a situation plays out so that I’m by myself, I’m not bothered by it. This has come in handy in recent months, as I am now on my own the majority of the time. Having only myself for consistent company has not kept me from going out to eat, or watching movies, or heading out on multi-day road trips—all things I have done quite successfully, alone, over the last five months.

In fact, being alone has its advantages—advantages I have pointed out to myself on more than one occasion as a temporary remedy for my inevitable loneliness. There’s no arguing over what to eat, or when. There are no fights about what movie to see. Everything in the house is mine, set up the way I want it and situated to make my life more comfortable. If I want to go out, I go out. No waiting for someone else to get ready, and no discussions about it. If I want to stay in, I stay in. My free time is my own. No one hassles me about how they think I should be spending it. I don’t have to take anyone else into consideration when I make decisions, something that has greatly simplified my world. Yes, there are indeed advantages to being the number one person in my life.

That being said, there are times when being alone flat-out sucks. This suckiness is, perhaps, magnified by the fact that I didn’t choose to be alone, but rather had all this aloneness thrust upon me against my will. (This is also why I spend so much time coming up with reasons why being alone doesn’t suck in the first place.) Whatever the case, there was a lot of non-happy alone time this weekend, because I was sick. Not just “oh, I’m not feeling all that hot” sick, but “I went to the doctor and came back with multiple prescription medications” sick. I was flat on my back for three days. And I was alone. And it sucked royally.

There was no one to get me a glass of water. No one to pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy for me. No one to make me soup. No one to grab an extra blanket for me when my fever gave me chills. The house didn’t get cleaned. Errands didn’t get run. Studying didn’t get done. On the other hand, in spite of how crappy I felt, the animals needed to be looked after, meals needed tending, mail needed to be brought in (but only because I was waiting for something important; otherwise that wouldn’t have gotten done, either). It was awful, misery on top of misery and all I could think about was how much I really, really didn’t want to be alone. If I didn’t have the cats (who, bless their little feline hearts, could tell I wasn’t feeling well and curled up with me for all three days to keep me company), I might have spun into a real funk over the whole thing.

As it stands, I’m exhausted today, partly from being sick and unable to lie down (I have a lot of responsibilities stacked up on Mondays) but partly from the emotional toll this weekend took on me. This is one problem for which there is no solution. I am alone, and sometimes it is going to suck, and there’s nothing to be done about it. I just have to get used to it as one of the more unpleasant aspects of my new life. I just wish this particular life lesson had waited until I was something other than miserable and drugged to the gills. Ugh.

Lesson of the Day: Sometimes, it’s just gonna suck.

Pet Therapy

There’s nothing quite like owning a pet. First, there’s a level of unconditional love that you could never get from another human. Then there’s the instant calm that results simply from petting or playing with a pet. And let’s not forget the addition of another warm body in the house, one you can talk to and get the sense that it’s listening so that you never feel like you’re holding a conversation with yourself. All in all, pets are fantastic.

I’ve been going back and forth about adopting a pet for the last few months. I already have a rabbit, but he’s not the most interactive animal, and I’ve been feeling the need for another, more responsive body in the house now that I’m on my own. Growing up I had a dog, so I was looking at dogs as primary candidates, but I finally settled on a cat. One cat, however, turned into two, and this weekend I adopted two adults (one 2 years old and one 11 years old—a senior cat!) from a local animal shelter.

I can already feel the difference. I’m no longer alone! No, I don’t have another human in the house, but having two animals running around at all hours is getting the job done just fine. One of the cats is also turning out to be a definite lap cat, and she lies with me while I study. Both cats are content to lounge around the living room and watch TV with me, and neither seems to mind hanging out on her own when I leave for class or go out to run errands. Without fail, though, at least one of them greets me at the door when I get home.

If you have the means, and the desire, adopting a pet of any kind can be a very rewarding experience. And it doesn’t have to be the traditional cat or dog, either. I have a friend who recently adopted a hedgehog, and is quite thrilled with his new companion. I know people who are content to take the look-don’t-touch approach with fish. One friend in particular can’t seem to get enough of animals, and has a dog, a turtle, two frogs, a tank of fish, and a hamster. The point is, there’s an animal for everyone. And whether you’re beginning a new phase is your life, or have been putting off getting a pet even though you really want one, why not take the plunge? Of course, there are several things to consider:

• Finances: Some animals are more expensive than others. For example, my two cats require yearly vet appointments at the least for shots and such, but my rabbit hasn’t been to the vet in years, and won’t need to go unless he’s sick. There’s also food, toys, bedding, and species-specific accessories to take into consideration. Definitely do your research!
• Time: If you’re out of the house for 10 hours a day, a dog is probably not for you because you have to factor in letting one outside several times a day. A cat, however, is perfectly fine on its own for longer stretches of time (yay litterbox!). Caged animals work much the same way, with varying degrees of attention needed. No matter what the animal, are you willing to devote the time necessary to clean up after it, feed it, and play with it? Some people forget that a pet is a living thing completely dependent on you for its survival and well-being. If you’re not willing to make the effort, a pet is not for you!
• Space: Do you live in an apartment? You should probably skip the Great Dane. Animals come in all shapes and sizes, and you really just have to narrow down what size will work within the space you have available.
• Other members of the household: Do you have children? Other pets? An allergy-prone spouse? Many animal shelters now require every member of the family (human and non-human alike) to meet a potential adoptee to see if everyone will get along. Make sure everyone is in agreement and understands the responsibilities involved. And make sure any existing pets will get along with the new pet. Hunting breeds were out of my dog search immediately, as I could imagine exactly how that introduction to my rabbit would go!
• Shelter or pet store? I am a strong advocate of adopting from a shelter. If you’re not sure where to begin a search, try here. This site will give you access to the “inventories” of all the shelters in your area, and give you the links to those shelters so you can check out their websites directly and get info on their adoption policies.

Pets place a lot of responsibility on their human owners, but the love and devotion they give back is well worth it. There’s a reason why hospitals have programs that allow specially trained animals to visit patients. It’s no surprise that dogs are entrusted with the care of humans who need help (seeing-eye dogs) and humans in general (police dogs). Don’t have the inclination to take on the responsibility but would still like to reap the benefits? Volunteer at your local animal shelter. Shelters are mostly non-profit organizations that exist at the mercy of a huge and ever-changing team of volunteers. They always need people to pet cats and walk dogs—seriously, I’ve done both—and would be thrilled to have you come in pretty much any time that works with your schedule.

Lesson of the Day: Jump on the animal-loving bandwagon—it’s all warm and fuzzy!

The Genesis of The Reinvention Project

Sometimes life, for better or worse, presents us with the chance to change some aspect of our lives or our selves. Whether we have chosen the circumstances or had them thrust upon us, the opportunity is there for the taking—the question becomes, then: what will we do about it? I find myself searching for the answer to this very question after a recent series of events has left me standing amidst the ruins of a life that, quite suddenly and painfully, has ceased to exist.

As a new year approaches, I find the theme of new beginnings more apt than ever before. The path of my old life is ended; the path of my new life is undetermined. I stand at a place I never thought I’d be again: square one. My questions far outweigh my answers: Do I have the strength for this? Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want out of this new life? What should I attempt to salvage from my old life? What should I let go? What will the end result look like?

More important than any of these questions, however, is this: what can I learn from this experience? Empty pain is destructive; pain that leads to meaning, however—that is my goal.

Thus, The Reinvention Project is born.

How many people are in the same position I’m in? Faced with having to start over, to rebuild after the end of a life they would have happily continued living forever? How many people are wishing they could change something about themselves, or about their lives, but don’t feel they have the strength or resources to do so? How many people have finally decided to make a change or two, but feel overwhelmed or alone in their quest? They say there’s nothing new under the sun—I plan to add my voice to the masses.

Through this blog, I plan to chronicle my journey to a new life. I’ll post all that I learn in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will be able to take what I discover and use it to improve their own lives. If even a single person can use a single sentence to take a single step towards being happier, I will consider my journey a worthwhile endeavor.

It’s a new year—and my one resolution is to make it count.