Society has drummed into us that “selfish” is a dirty word. From an early age, we’re taught to share our toys, put others’ feelings before our own, and give our time and money to worthy people and causes. Somewhere between letting our little brothers play with our favorite matchbox car and donating $50 to the Red Cross, we have lost the ability to take care of ourselves without a lingering sense of guilt.
That knee-jerk guilt reaction is something I have had to get over in the last several months. Selfishness, I have learned, is not something to be shoved shamefully into a dark corner. Instead, it is a lifeline to my sanity. I have always been good at taking care of others. I’ve been called a nurturer by many family members and friends, and I’ve always enjoyed the label. I like making other people happy, and I like knowing that my friends and family trust that they can come to me, day or night, if they need anything. Taking care of myself has always been an afterthought, as I never felt any real cause to do so—I’m usually content if those around me are, and I’ve never truly been in a situation where I had to monitor my own emotions so closely. Until now.
So, one aspect of The Reinvention Project involves a resolution of sorts: to put myself first, to address my needs, and to let the rest of the world handle itself for a while. In a word, to be selfish. I don’t mean that I’ve cut myself off from the world’s problems, or that I ignore those family and friends who come to me. Rather, I have simply moved myself to the top of my list of priorities. It’s not an easy thing for me to do, and I’m willing to bet that if you look at your own list of priorities, you may not even make the top five.
How am I going about fulfilling this resolution? It’s been simpler than I ever imagined, and in fact, most of the time it’s something so small that I am amazed I never did it before. For instance, I’ll light candles in my living room while I’m studying in the evening—I love candlelight; I find it incredibly relaxing. I guiltlessly set aside time to watch my favorite TV shows (Dirty Jobs, MythBusters, Bones, and Ghost Whisperer) when they’re on—no TiVo, no DVR. I do Tae Bo to keep my body feeling good. In direct contrast to Tae Bo, I will sometimes have ice cream for dinner (a useful life formula? Chocolate = Win). Basically, I give myself permission to do what makes me happy, sometimes regardless of what I feel I should be doing (cleaning, studying, sleeping). It has helped me find some measure of happiness for myself when everything else seems woefully unhappy in my life. And that is more important than anything else I “should” be attending to.
Lesson of the Day: To thine own self be attentive.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
With each post, I find myself wanting to throw my arms around you and say thank you. Thank you for putting these things to words. Thank you for saying in a way I never figured out, that fear of what'll happen if you aren't there for someone because you took care of yourself first, that the guilt can be overwhelming, even when people say it's okay... The rational mind says that of course the friends will understand if you had to take care of yourself first, that no one expects herculean effort in the face of personal adversity, but the heart argues sometimes, saying, "but I could, so I should."
ReplyDeleteThank you for getting it, and saying it, and making it a little easier to try to live it.